The Darkest Moments of My Life

Grateful for my friends during this shit storm

Tuesday,  November 19, 2019

I haven’t been in touch for a few months, but I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you. I’m going to share some vulnerable truths about why I’ve been quiet for awhile. 

This has been the most difficult and crazy year of my life. I’ve been on a decades long healing journey with valleys and peaks, and this recent period is teaching me how to navigate the deepest, most challenging valleys.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work to process and learn from my stressful experiences. I’m growing stronger and wiser every day. 

My divorce started at the beginning of this year and brought about some intense earthquakes in my emotional well being. I can’t go into the details yet, but I will say, this change has been an extreme call to uplevel my boundaries and assertiveness. 

I am now SO much clearer about what is (and what isn’t) a healthy, safe relationship. My true friends are revealing themselves as the people who stand by me no matter what.

Becoming a mother has been the greatest joy of my life. Emily is truly my sunshine, my love, my favorite person in the world. 

And still, parenting has been incredibly challenging on my physical energy. It’s been hard to juggle my chronic health issues, work productively and show up as the present, involved mom I’m committed to being. 

This year I set the strong intention to dramatically uplevel my health. This process has been rough, and I’m finally seeing improvements after a ton of hard work and discipline!

Here’s the nutshell summary of what’s been going on...

A combination of mercury poisoning in my early 20s, lots of international travel and exposure to parasites, and a Hepatitis C infection for the first 36 years of my life (which is now cured, thank the Goddess!) led to long term digestive problems, major chronic sleep disturbances, and multiple chemical sensitivities (MCS).

For years, I have only been able to get uninterrupted sleep about 2 percent of the time because of my health challenges. It’s even more brutal when you throw a young child into the mix, who sometimes wakes in the middle of the night and always rises very early. 

My diet is so limited, it would make you cry...and I’ve been stuck with it for a very, very long time, trying desperately to get my digestion working right. Forget about eating out or enjoying any convenience or pleasure foods. 

Oh and the MCS. I am so sensitive to chemicals I get sick just from standing next to someone who has washed their clothes in Tide (or any mainstream detergent). I have to majorly limit how much I go out in public because we live in a chemically laden world, from air fresheners, disinfectants, scented products, gasoline, to formaldehyde in most stores and new products...the list goes on. 

Dealing with this disability has been life altering. Traveling is something I almost never do unless it’s extremely necessary because it’s just too hard on my body. 

I’ve had to discontinue live public speaking, attending masterminds and hosting my own live events. This has been really difficult because I love connecting with my clients and colleagues in person. 

Don’t take for granted the freedom you have to hug someone without making sure they’re chemical free first (and most people aren’t without making significant changes in their habits). I often feel like “bubble girl.”

At the same time, I have so much to be grateful for. I have the freedom and resources to create any form of online business that suits my lifestyle. I’m brewing up something new that I look forward to sharing with you. 

I own a beautiful home in the Santa Cruz mountains, surrounded by Redwood trees, a waterfall and pure fresh air. I live in an area with many health conscious people and experts. I have an abundant supply of high quality fresh organic food. 

I’m grateful for the convenience of online shopping. When I need to rest and stay at home, Hallmark movies cheer me up! 

I have a few wonderful helpers and friends who are conscientious and only use chemical-free products when they’re around me. 

I’m hoping the MCS will lessen as I detox heavy metals from my body, but I have no guarantee. Most people with this disability live with it for the rest of their lives with no reliable cure. 

My goal is to one day get a nice RV that I can travel with as my own mobile chemical-free zone. Outdoor activities are the best for me.

Recently I am celebrating sporadic improved sleep...there have been a handful of nights in the past month where I slept 8 hours straight with no interruptions! I hope this continues. It feels amazing. 

My digestion is getting better slowly. Yesterday I enjoyed delicious salmon sushi with lemon and my body tolerated it well...for the first time in years. 

This healing journey has taught me to accept and love myself. When my body holds me back from doing things I want to, when it slows me down from being my usual productive high-achiever self, when I have to break commitments because my health is demanding first’s easy to get frustrated, angry and sad. 

That brings me back to radical self care. Honoring where I’m at, trusting in the process, loving myself enough to continue striving for better health. Even when challenges go on so long it seems hopeless. 

With all that I’ve been through this year, there were some dark moments when I felt broken and useless. I lost a lot of confidence in myself.

But these shadows in the valleys of life can be a huge blessing. Because they’ve taught me to look deeper, to find my confidence in my intrinsic value. When I’m physically or emotionally unable to perform and create outer results, I can focus on the gold I have inside of me. 

This has been one of the greatest gifts of this year, and something I will be able to teach my daughter. Remember your worth is immeasurable and intangible. It’s in WHO you are...not in what you create, who you know, what you can do, or how you look. 

You might get bruised or shaken on the inside or outside. It might hurt falling into a valley. 

No matter what, nothing can break you because you are whole. And you are loved.